ecappaccino's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 321 - relentlessly It is the second day of the new year. I woke up in another room, on a makeshift bed, to find half a day had gone already. There is an email in my inbox that I read three times and archive, and there is an email that I type that I save in drafts, having resisted the impulse to delete it. It - the email - compounds dangerous knowledge. I reread it one more time and shut the window. It will likely never make it past my drafts folder. I had a dream last night - someone had run me through my shoulder blade with a sword. It was war, and I had made it back bleeding down my shirt like a floral pattern and at night had slept on a very large bed with 5 people on a head-foot-head-foot-head arrangement of people I knew. That night as we slept the boy next to me shifted to hold me, confidently, heavy armed and enclosing. I lay still and tried to concentrate on being carefully pushing every thought out of my head. I wanted to feel safe. But in the end I sat up and shrugged him off me, tucking the blankets carefully in around him gently. I crawled over him and went to another friend, a girl, lying asleep. She woke and shifted sleepily, asking what was wrong. I tried to hold on to her as I told her about the war, feeling needy, trying to press myself into her shoulder. We were all business - dead bodies and strategies. She stayed calmly, restful. It was a patient kind of restfulness. After I had finished, she untangled herself, pushed me away gently and said that it was probably a good idea to call for reinforcements. I felt cold. I think I began to bleed from the shoulder all over again. I'll go now, I said. Goodbye. She rolled over and let herself drift back to sleep. 'Bye, the boy echoed sleepily from where he lay. I looked and saw he was awake, gazing up at me with eyelids at half mast. ...I felt so adrift. 2:35 pm - 01-02-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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