ecappaccino's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 331 - how it is Fragmented, again. Something is less than before. My brother's first day of school, ever. I'm at home, there are tiny punctures in the sole of my foot (from God knows what), with a doctor's appointment in the afternoon. You could be very sick, my mother had said. Afterwards, I remember that the symptoms of my supposed sickness had started 2 years ago, but I just hadn't recognized them. Strange. It's nothing too serious, I think. Doctor will probably make me do a blood test, and I will sit down for ages before I feel stable enough to walk myself home. I get so dizzy - unbearable. "Nobody would hold it against you, it's Med school for you if you leave," said Been. "I'd hold it against myself," I replied curtly - and it's true, I would, if life could have been something better. I've had no life decisions before this. I am thinking about forever, when I'm too young to be - besides, there is no forever. There is only time and circumstance. I am giving up time and circumstance if I move. I am afraid I will regret. I've never done it before, because I've been afraid to think of all the what-ifs. Because regret is unbearable too, like dizziness. And so far I've regretted nothing - I have been happy. That is enough. I am happy now, I think - different from before. It's solidarity. If I leave I will be leaving this happiness for the unknown - who knows how long before I find this all again? I doubt it will be never, but every time it will be different. I've taken to wondering if the first happiness is the purest form, and every time after that is less. I was happiest in childhood, and then in fifth form, and for a while in seventh form, and now - things shed. Hope sheds until it becomes I can't ask for more than what I have. Vaibhav and I talked about Med school in the car. I listened to someone who wanted it so badly that he would do almost anything. Again, the feeling of lack. Why couldn't I be like Vaibhav? I used to want this, I'm sure. If only for a week, and maybe I still do. I don't know what to do has been my characteristic moan, I'm so confused. "I'd rather you stayed," she commented, hearing it probably one too many times. I began to be afraid again. In fact, I am feeling more and more listless - like I should leave now before it's too late. Before I absolutely can't leave. I have anchors in people - Mandy, for instance was an anchor. There has been none since, until now. Unbelievable. Even with you, I would have done this. I would have flown away. In fact the desolated conversations I'm having on MSN with a friend overseas about how she feels abandoned by her old friends here at her old school...what happened, she wonders, nobody tells me anything - I feel so betrayed. I realize that I expect no less to happen to me. Life is about the little things in between big holidays - little crises, little triumphs. I'll miss a lot of my brother's school stories, his first a lot of things. I am thinking about the times when I hurt when you hurt, but am utterly at a loss to comfort you and make it stop. I want to be everything - I want to be everywhere at the same time. Teleport. Infect the landscape. Who wants to be ordinary? I've been getting lots of life advice being thrown at me. They're very classical, and about classical things - I have always thought about...doing the right thing. Following the prescription, only to discover that sixty years later there are complications. That I shouldn't have done it. Medical school or nothing. Why don't I understand what it means? It's the confusion swallowing me again - I can't seem to put this to bed. Why isn't it easier? I am angry at myself - I find it really pathetic. I wanted this. I did this to myself. I don't think this is about Med school, however. "You have to be in the right headspace," Vaibhav also said, about moving. "I've never had second thoughts as to whether I want to move or not. I've been sad, yes, but I've never thought about not moving." This could be your one chance, my mother tells me. As if I can redeem myself. After this, there will be no more opportunity. An end to something, like another hope extinguished. Either way. Unbearable. I am still leaving. I am still mortified. I have 2 days to change my mind. 12:00 pm - 02-07-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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