ecappaccino's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 330 - weightless Signs, again - they point across the Tasman and tell me that I really should. I wanted to stay because I thought I could be happy here, but I think that was just speculation. No more speculation. There is no happiness if I don't make it myself. I will never be happy anywhere. It'll all only be temporary. [But isn't happiness always momentary anyway? I'd said. I still believe it. But why must I condemn myself to a life like Louise's - seeking Abel all her life? Nothing else. Just to be with Abel. And as for me, just to chase moments of happiness. I am too afraid that I will end up like her to let myself do what I want to do]. I have nowhere to live, all the Halls of Residences are full. This is what it's like, I suppose, to just pack a suitcase and skip the country. Walk out. If my parents can loan me my first year fees (as I have to pay upfront) and accomodation fees, that is. I'll be back for summer, and my birthday. I'm going to do it. I'm going to go. It feels weird. But why would I stay? There are no promises. I no longer live on insubstantial things. I'm jumping from fear to fear. Will everything be okay? Lie to me. I don't want to leave. I need to be I don't want anything. I don't need anything. Forget it. Forget this. I don't know who I'm talking to. What am I stricken about? Forget. 12:38 am - 02-02-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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