ecappaccino's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 328 - refrain Chen (a friend I met at the Genesis forum last year) and I were talking this morning, and he said some things that made me wonder how resilience worked. When I was at Genesis, you slipped my mind. I remember that I'd felt left out before that, because our lives had suddenly split again. I went home and found your letter, after almost 48 hours without sleep since the forum staff said it was tradition on the last two days since we had to clear out of our rooms in the middle of the night. I found that letter in my closet just last week. This isn't about you, however. You and I are okay. Chen said, you have a great outlook on life. He said, you shined. What he said was in context of how I react in a function full of strangers, or presenting a case to a room full of people I'd never met. In Melbourne, what would I do in a city full of strangers? I don't know why fits of loneliness creep up on me. Isn't it better to be alone than to be lonely in the middle of so many people? I began to think of forgetting, like Gaayathri told me to. It would be best, if I were to move my life overseas in a month. The gap year is appealing, but I keep thinking about it as a waste of time. If I didn't want to do medicine, couldn't I change my own desires? That's a lie, but is it a lie I'm willing to chance? I'm running out of reasons. Why couldn't I count on the few people who might have given me a reason to stay? I think I kept thinking, people are so unreliable, although at that point I'm sure I was just tired. While I had a good time at the party, towards the end I was agreeing to things to distract myself, although distraction does afford some benefits like learning how to dance from a really good stranger. I was beginning to hate...no. I was beginning to want to hate. Rubbing smoke, alcohol and mascara into my pillow, I dreamt of empty, desperate kisses again. 4:03 pm - 01-27-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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