ecappaccino's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 324 - chance Restless again. It's just after midnight on Friday the thirteenth, as someone was kind enough to remind me at midnight on the dot. Happy Black Friday, she'd said. I do not believe in unlucky Fridays. There is no unlucky object or act. There is just circumstance. They're trying to tell me due to errors in the system - the system, of all things - I can't leave. I'll never even have a chance to go away. Everything is now based on if. If people are kind. If they make the deadline. If the strangers whose life this doesn't affect in any way decide to do me favours. After I got the phone call today, I hung up, faxed many people, phoned many people, cried. And then I went out and did errands, walking so furiously that I imagined footprints on the pavement. The other pedestrians swerved around me. I realized today that Australia had already become a sign in my mind. It's not whether or not I go - I might have declined. It's whether or not I am allowed to go, like the possibility of escape. I'm not superstitious but I can't stop seeing things as clues. I keep asking am I allowed? is it okay? - A wayward child. It's just a guessing game now. I am not angry anymore. This is out of my hands. 12:05 am - 01-13-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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